in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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