She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
