i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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