ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
