Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
