I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize