tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
