i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
3pm strippers are depressing
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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