This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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