It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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