dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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