Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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