my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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