You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
