I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
