so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
