Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
