When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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