So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
