Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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