Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
