do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
