If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
