He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
