Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sobbing to NWA
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
