I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
