I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
