the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
