apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
