remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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