Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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