Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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