My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
