also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
