Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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