So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Randomize
