Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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