I murdered the dance floor call the cops
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
