i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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