I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize