Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
