mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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