ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
