i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
