he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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