I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize