I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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