just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
