I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
