I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
