Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
