EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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