you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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