the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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