This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
