highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
