the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
